fernando ramos:

Sunday September 12, 1993

No rap music?! I mean…I hate rap music…but still…no rap music? No beats?! This a party? Feels like church. HA!
   Friday night.
   The party—if that’s what they wanna call it—was nothing more than a mild gathering, watered-down bullshit. Bland rock music played in the background—barely audible—while we sipped sodas from waxed paper cups. Conversations were muted chatter dusting up the air…about as annoying as a fly buzzing round my head. What the fuck? Where the hell was the bass…and the alcohol…and the dancing…and the hooting and the hollering and the laughter that goes on and on until it feels like days turned into weeks turned into waking dreams where I sit up and still hear it echoing back and forth in my ears?
   In another life I suppose.
   The party was in Megan’s empty garage, spilling out onto the driveway. I sat on a fold-out chair somewhere in between the two. My sister had dropped me off earlier that night…when the sun was still out. Only a handful of people had arrived before me, Peggy included. The two of us chilled with Megan for a little while until Mark showed up. Then it was me and Megan.
   “So…you expecting a lot of people?” I asked.
   “Oh…I don’t know…hopefully nothing too rowdy. Are you?”
   I wanted to laugh…just one of those awkward questions where you can’t figure out if a person is serious or fucking with you. This was her party, not mine…but alas, I decided to go with a serious response—much safer—and then quickly changed the subject.
   “Well, I didn’t really invite anyone. How have you been anyways?”
   “Oh…pretty good…and you?”
   I pretended to ponder the question…just as I pretended so many other things that night.
   “Not too bad,” I said.
   “Good…uhm…I should make sure there’s ice in the bucket.”
   “Okay.”
   She stood up and went inside the garage. Good riddance.
   As soon as I spotted Crow getting out of a car, I ran toward him, screaming out his name in absolute delight and throwing my arms around him. I’ve learned that nothing embarrasses him. Doesn’t make it any less fun…though I’ve learned to tread carefully…cuz when he wants, he’s definitely more than able to embarrass the hell out of me.
   “’Bout fucking time,” I said. “Some decent company.”
   “What am I, the third wheel?” Shadow asked. He had gotten out from the other side of the car.
   “Always,” I said jokingly. “Hey, Mrs. —— . Nice to see you again.”
   “Hi, Billy…will you please keep mine in line tonight?” Crow’s mom asked.
   “Of course.”
   “I had a feeling I could count on you,” she said and smiled. I still don’t really know how to take that. Mom’s can be weird. “Well, you boys have fun.”
   Farewells. Doors closed. Car took off. And the three of us walked down the driveway. Peggy came to meet us with Mark’s arm around her shoulder. Friendly chaos ensued…hugs…a conversation between Shadow and Mark and a different one between Peggy and Crow. I just kinda stood by, listening in for a sentence or two and then letting my eyes wander off back up the driveway…hoping to see Heather’s mom’s car…the same one that comes for Heather every Thursday afternoon.
   “So where are Sparrowhawk and Moonshadow?” Peggy asked.
   “They ain’t coming,” Shadow responded.
   “Why not?” I asked.
   Shadow simply shrugged his shoulders.
   “So Shadow,” Mark started. “Blah blah blah I’m an ogre…blah blah aren’t I cool cuth I’m a thinging ogre…thon’t you like me cuth I’m tho thmart and thpecial…blah blah oink snort oink meow woof mooooo…hey baby, will you get me a refill?”
   Oh hell no…ugh…get it your damn self.
   “As if…get it yourself,” Peggy said. Hurray! My Peggy.
   He bugs me so much. It isn’t the macho shit…whatever…I’m a guy, I get it. It’s just his…I think it’s his arrogance. Or maybe it’s just good old-fashioned jealousy. I don’t know. I voice my opinions frequently enough…sometimes jokingly and sometimes in complete seriousness. When she asks me to stop, I do…and when she tells me that she loves him, I listen. I hold back when it’s appropriate…there’s a time and place for everything, right? But still, he treats her like shit…and the suckiest part of it all is that Peggy actually agrees…and the weirdest part of it all is that she really doesn’t put up with his crap…and the craziest part of it all is that she still stays with him! Does that make any fucking sense? Girls are so silly sometimes. Silly is the perfect word for girls actually. Silly silly creatures.
   Mark went off to get his refill.
   That’s right…get away. Go hover somewhere else, creep.
   “So where’s this girl you’ve been telling me about?” Crow asked me.
   “I don’t know…she said she would come.”
   “Isn’t that what they all say?” Shadow asked.
   “You’re filthy,” Crow responded.
   Peggy laughed.
   I had an intense desire to punch Shadow in the face. Never, of course. But it just came over me and washed away just as quickly.
   “You all know Mercer wants us to meet tomorrow at my house, right?” Shadow asked.
   “And Sunday, no?” Crow responded.
   “Both days?” Peggy asked.
   “We got a lot to do,” Shadow said.
   “Why don’t we all just have a big orgy at your place tomorrow night?” Crow suggested.
   “You wish,” Peggy said.
   Crow looked at her funny. “I do,” he said. I’m pretty sure Peggy was blushing, but even if she wasn’t…the look on her face just cracked me up. I busted out laughing.
   “My parents would probably be cool with it actually,” Shadow said, interrupting our fun. “Except for the girls.”
   “So we get left out again,” Peggy said.
   “Well…would your parents actually be cool with—”
   “Hell no!” she said.
   “Alright then.”
   “I’m sure we can come up with something,” I said.
   “If someone can, it’d be Billy,” Peggy told them. “But unfortunately, I think this one is beyond you,” she added, to me.
   “I’ll start plotting,” I said.
   “I always knew you were sneaky,” Crow said, looking at me.
   “Purty sneaky,” I said.
   “Yes…him and all those books of his,” Shadow said, raising his eyebrows at me. Ha ha.
   “Well, I’m gonna go find my boyfriend,” Peggy said.
   “What for? You gonna go dump him?” Crow asked with that funny look again.
   “You—” she started, then reconsidered…quick study. “Oh, bite me,” she said and went into Megan’s garage with the other fun people. I just realized I was at a party—ahem, gathering—with Peggy’s group of friends…the ones I avoid like a plague. Huh…weird.
   And finally…the car I’d been waiting for…with the girl I’ve been longing for. I took a deep breath, held it, dared my legs to move, felt my body go…and in a quick instant of clumsiness I was scraping clothed knees on driveway.
   Seriously?! I thought this shit only happened to dorks in movies! I wanted to throw up right then and there, to hide away from the world and maybe even cry a little—my usual routine when humiliation stops by for a cup of tea. But what I actually did was like nothing I’ve ever done before…certainly nothing I’d ever expect from myself. Perhaps something in me was saying enough’s enough, Billy…for crying out loud…do something! (I think writing this shit down helps tremendously, cuz when I read through it…it’s like I’m seeing myself through a stranger’s eyes sometimes…and it makes me want to be different…act different…feel emotions differently…learn from people like Crow. Anyways…)
   I laughed. I have no idea where it came from, but I rolled over on my back and laughed and laughed. I could hear Crow and Shadow laughing as they drew closer…and I could hear Heather as well. I think I could even smell her.
   “Are you okay?” she asked, smiling down at me like an absolute angel.
   “You see what you do to me?” I asked.
   “So this is my fault?” she asked back.
   “Oh absolutely…you gonna help me up?”
   Shadow offered up his hand. I looked at him briefly, but curiously. He’s so strange sometimes.
   “What? Don’t you trust me?” he asked.
   “No way,” I said, still laughing a little and getting up without anyone’s help. “This is Shadow, by the way,” I said to Heather, introducing the two. “And this is Fool’s Crow.” I patted down my pants.
   Everyone said hello to each other.
   “So where’s the party?” Heather asked.
   “In the garage,” I responded. “C’mon…I’ll introduce you to Peggy so she can introduce you to everyone else. But I warn ya…they’re a bunch of losers…nowhere near as cool as the three of us.” Referring to me, Shadow, and Crow of course.
   I went back and forth throughout the night…mingling. Peggy made the rounds as well. Heather latched on to Shadow and Crow over anyone else at the party. And I actually loved that…for like a minute. Fed my hope. She preferred my friends…and if she thought they were cool, maybe…just maybe…she’d think I had a trace of that coolness in me as well. Pathetic. But at least I’m aware.
   Pegasus even stayed true to her word. Every now and then she’d throw an arm around me and say something nice or “sweet” that was supposed to sound flirty…but it always came across as a friendly compliment and nothing more. She won’t win the Oscar, but it’s cool…she tried.
   The rest of the night was shit. I really don’t have the energy to get into it…plus I got books to read and rituals to study and spells to plan…it was an educational weekend…not much drama to write about…just information…knowledge, especially from Shadow and Mercer…but anyways…I did wanna mention…
   Hanging out with Heather in a social setting ended up making me feel worse. Surprise surprise. I thought it’d work to my advantage somehow…but no…how could it? I’m socially awkward enough as it is…throwing this kind of stress on top of it all? Bad idea. But that’s not all. There were things about Heather I had never seen before, parts of her personality I had not known were there…especially her flirtatiousness. She was all giggles around Shadow and Fool’s Crow, touching them a lot, laughing and throwing her head back in that seductive way only girls can do. Jealousy was inevitable. It went rushing through my head in mighty pangs, pushing against all my fake smiles and all my make-believe gaiety and almost successfully undoing them. I really loved watching her like that—happy and flirty—but I wanted it to be directed at me. Of course, it never was. It never has been. That much is evident, and it all became very clear to me. And the more I stood and talked and listened and died, the more my jealousy shapeshifted into anger. I didn’t know at what…but it was there…taking over me…eating through all that stood in its way. Perhaps there wasn’t only one source…perhaps the anger stemmed from everything…from Pegasus insisting I invite Heather…from Mark’s constant presence in my face though we never spoke a single word to each other…from Shadow and Fool’s Crow receiving the kind of attention I have been yearning to receive…from Heather knowing how I feel about her and unabashedly showing me no consideration. If I knew someone felt a certain way about me, I’d like to think I would respect it, especially if I still cared for their friendship. I wouldn’t flirt with others in front of that person…and if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be with that person’s friends. It’s like saying, “You are meaningless to me. You don’t exist. How you feel about me is your problem…not mine. I didn’t ask you to love me…and I don’t give a shit that you do.”
   How am I supposed to react to that? How am I supposed to stand there and witness it, feeling my heart breaking more and more each second? People like that…they’re so amazingly selfish…they are all that matter to them. So how do I react when the girl I love shows me a face I’ve never seen before? An ugly face? I can’t just shut out my emotions at the snap of a finger…I can’t just stop. I wish I could.
   I should hate her…get over her once and for all…rid her from my life. Why keep someone around that makes me feel this way?
   Because I love her. And I’m not one to easily give up.
   Goddamnit! I’m like Pegasus with Mark. I’m a fucking girl! This is such bullshit!
   But in the end, I do what I do best. I shapeshift the anger back into a smile—my favorite disguise.
   I was glad when the night was over.
   Hurray. Goodnight.

~

Next Entry: Tuesday September 14, 1993

© 2010 fernando ramos, excerpt from billy reflects – the journals of a smalltown boy