fernando ramos:

Tuesday September 14, 1993

Soft voices…whispers…the quiet breathing…an inconspicuous throat clearing…the smell of the incense…the flickering of the candles…a circle of friends. It’s easy to become addicted. There’s something so magical within the magical. I never thought any of it would feel like that…so amazingly special. It makes my soul become so light…and then I feel that lightness spreading to the rest of me.
   During Sunday’s coven meeting, I envisioned pulling myself inside out. The thought came as most other thoughts do when one thinks them: fast, crashing through whatever they wish. I wanted my viscera exposed to that magic…I wanted the outside to enter in or the inside to exit out…a physical inversion of some kind…of any kind: a drop of water in mid-air, or a bubble in the sea. I didn’t care…I just wanted it…that feeling…to be everywhere that is me…in every cell…in every bone…lighting me up from the inside, from the outside…like when you hold a strong flashlight against your palm and you see all that red in beautiful fluorescence shining from the back of your hand. I wanted that. But everywhere. What would that feeling be called? Love? Bliss? Illusion? I don’t know…but I know where it stems from.
   Them. I see their faces, my friends…and the way the shadows dance upon them…it’s an unbelievable magic…a greater magic…far stronger than any ritual we could do…any spell we could cast. I hope I’m not the only one who feels it. And I hope it isn’t wrong of me to feel it. I’m here for the reasons I’m supposed to be here…but I might be guilty of loving the fellowship far more than the worship. Or are they one and the same?…feeding off of each other?
   Who knows…
   I keep studying though…I keep reading books. I keep memorizing and researching, tying as many connections together as I can. I’ve been focusing on paganism in general. I’m not entirely convinced on Wicca…or any of the other neo-pagan beliefs for that matter. I truly love certain elements about them…but I hate gaps that keep surfacing in the histories. Gaps leave way too many risks for lies. I want to understand a faith completely…grasp its origin, its identity and purpose…strong and never changing…a rock…a pillar. I don’t need another Christianity.
   It’s still too soon to tell. This isn’t a science and there’s really no kind of logic I’m trying to follow here. But sometimes I feel like everything I read is a piece of the puzzle…and maybe if I collect all the pieces, I can actually start putting the picture together. I think it’ll be a while before I have all the pieces…maybe never. Probably never…not unless I devote my life to it…make it my profession…become a scholar. But do even they have all the pieces?
   For now, I’m latching on to more traditional pagan religions—and by traditional I mean ancient. I’m not fully satisfied with anything yet…but I’m willing to adopt and listen to anything that speaks truth to my soul.

later

My sister gave me another ride to the library this afternoon. I told her I’d only be ten minutes tops so she’d wait for me. Afterward, I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall, which can sometimes be a thirty minute drive…but she said sure anyways and readjusted her plans.
   “I told Shannon we’d hang out today…so, we’re gonna have to pick her up. Cool?” she asked.
   “No problem.”
   Shannon and my sister have recently become pretty good friends. I like her…much more subdued than all of Mary’s previous friends. Shannon’s like this sweet girl…long wavy blond hair, a pale face, soft-spoken, and kinda shy actually…or maybe I’m confusing that with polite? But…heheh…I actually think hanging out with my sister and her crew has been corrupting her a little bit. I’ve never snuck outta the house with my sister when Shannon was around, so I don’t know what she’s like when she parties. I should make time…but I’ve just been more caught up with the coven and my studying. Maybe this weekend I’ll ask my sister to count me in on their next outing—that’s if the coven doesn’t have anything going on, of course.
   “Hey, turn into this subdivision,” I said from the backseat. Shannon was in the car with us already…and—on a whim—I figured why not bring a friend of my own.
   “Why?” my sister asked.
   “To pick up Crow.”
   “Ooo-kay…”
   She turned and I gave her directions to Fool’s Crow’s house. I ran out the car and knocked on his door. His mom opened it.
   “Well…hello, Billy…” she said. She’s always so warm when I see her. No wonder Crow is so easygoing and so…well, sorta gentle and mild-mannered…and always in a good mood.
   “Hello, Mrs. —— . Uhm…me and my sister are heading out to the mall and…well, sorry to come unannounced, but I was just wondering if Crow could maybe go with us. We won’t be too long.”
   “Sure…yeah, Billy…no problem. Crow!”
   I could see him walking toward the door, somewhat expressionless…but as soon as he noticed me standing there, I wanted to laugh. The recognition on his face was awesome…like a light switch.
   “What’s going on?” he asked.
   “Grab some shoes, man,” I said. “We’re going to the mall.”
   “I’m fine with it,” his mom said…and walked away. “Have fun…close the door behind you.”
   “But what for?” Crow asked me.
   “Just get your ass out here…I got my sister waiting.”
   “Ooooh…”
   He walked out the door, shoes in hand.
   “You’re such a fucking idiot,” I said, laughing.
   “Is that a blondie too?”
   “Yes, Crow…yes it is.”
   “Yummy…”
   But once we got in the car, there might as well have been a partition. Shannon and my sister endlessly carried on about their troubles with boys. Crow and I discussed shamanism in Nordic pagan cultures. Heheh…kinda silly when I think about it. Very nerdy indeed. But thank goodness—no numbers and no sci-fi. We ain’t doing too bad.
   All I wanted from the mall was to visit the bookstore—the New Age section. The well at the city library has pretty much run dry…and I want more…I need more…to learn more. There’s not a drawer of the card-catalogue I haven’t ransacked, no trail I haven’t exhausted. I’ve even followed the careers of select authors in case they explored similar topics in other books. There’s nothing left for me to find, no stone unturned…if there was one wiggling grub left in the place, I guarantee he’d be in my tummy.
   “Yeah…this is definitely much better than the library,” I said, standing in front of the New Age sign.
   “Oh yeah…” Crow agreed.
   So many fucking books…on precisely the same subjects I’m wanting the most! But I could maybe buy one. Didn’t have a lot of money.
   “Man…I just wanna shake these shelves out into the biggest trashbag and run out the store with them!”
   Crow laughed. “You’re thilly…”
   “You wanna?” I asked.
   “What?”
   “Steal a couple?”
   “You serious?”
   “Yeah…maybe…a little five finger discount.”
   I laughed. Even I couldn’t tell if I was serious or not.
   “Hush up, boy,” he said. “Not in the mood to get arrested.”
   “Yeah…I guess me either.”
   I picked up a book.
   “Yeah…don’t bother,” Crow said.
   “I wanna learn about the Druids.”
   “And I’m telling you, don’t bother. There’s nothing to know that you don’t already know.”
   “What are you talking about? They’re interesting as hell…and it’s hard to find stuff on them.”
   “That’s what I mean…those bastards took all their secrets with them. They didn’t write anything about themselves.”
   “Or maybe they did and the Christians destroyed it.”
   Crow laughed. “That’s impossible…you’re talking a few thousand years before Christ. You’re almost as bad as Sparrowhawk. Blame Christians, ask questions later.”
   I shrugged my shoulders. “When the Hebrew god is responsible for more genocides than any other god…can you blame me?”
   “Well I don’t think he’s responsible for this one…maybe the Romans. But the point is…whatever you read about the Druids, it’s all hearsay…mostly written by Druid-haters…so you can’t really depend on any of it.”
   “What about archeological finds? There’re clues there.”
   “Interpreted by modern men.”
   “…who are educated in ancient religions.”
   “But never practiced any of them for themselves.”
   “Screw you, I’m buying it.”
   “Suit yourself.”
   “I at least wanna know what the clues are…”
   “It’s cool…now this is more like it,” he said, picking up a book with a sexy witch on the cover. “Yeah…ride that broomstick.”
   I laughed.
   “So when do you think we’re gonna do stuff?” I asked.
   “What do you mean?”
   “I don’t know…I just wanna do stuff…take things further. Sometimes I feel like Shadow and Mercer are taking their precious time. I get the importance of ethics…why we gotta keep magic pure and untainted…but I don’t know…sometimes I feel like they’re scared to take it further.”
   “Maybe they just wanna make sure we’re really prepared.”
   “Yeah…maybe…but that doesn’t mean we can’t start with simple things now. Like seeing auras. Mercer should teach us.”
   “Yeah…I kinda agree…we should be starting stuff. Why don’t we just ask him?”
   “You ask him,” I said.
   He giggled at me…loudly…not caring he was in public, not worried about being seen or heard sounding like a little girl with ponytails. It cracks me up…but at the same time makes me look around for any familiar faces. I hate that about myself. And I knew it then…as much as I know it now. So I defied it…that thing that makes me feel embarrassed about anything and everything…and I let out an even greater giggle. A beast of a giggle. A giggle so loud and full and thick and high pitched…it echoed its way back to me.
   All the murmuring voices in the bookstore hushed for a moment.
   And Crow and I died of laughter.

~

Next Entry: Thursday September 16, 1993

© 2010 fernando ramos, excerpt from billy reflects – the journals of a smalltown boy